Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
