I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
