Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My penis needs a shock collar
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
