I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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