You work out of a Hotel?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
