mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She told me I should be a condom model.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
