I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Someone shit on the floor
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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