you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
