Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
