I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
