i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
