i just wanna soil my oats bro
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
FUCK WHALES
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