she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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