I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
