My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
