Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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