I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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