I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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