would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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