guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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