Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
