You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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