Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
