Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
