Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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