I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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