Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
accomplished twins. life is a go
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
