So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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