you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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