I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
