$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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