I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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