mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
