I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
