I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just forgot I was standing up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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