just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i think i scared a bird with my dick
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
