So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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