You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
