I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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