Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're like the curious george of whores
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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