Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
