Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
