Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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