i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never underestimate the power of titties
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
