Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
