Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
