my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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