So drunk its hurt
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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