You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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