i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
