I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
