thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
