we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
